Wrong Side Of Heaven
by JimmyIsCrazy
Summary: War changed a man. What happens when Jay Halstead have to deal with PTSD and the ghosts of his past ? How it will affect his job and his relationship with Erin ? Does their relationship will survive, will Jay be able to face his past ?
1. Back in hell

**_A/N: Hi everybody, so this is my first story and I'm a big fan of Chicago pd (especially Jay who's my favorite character) and a huge linstead shipper. Since the beginning I wanted to write a story about Jay's background so a few days ago I start and today I decided to post it. _**

**_I'm French and I will do my best to make the less mistake possible. Just for situated the story it's took place after the last episode. And about the last episode, omg the opening scene was awesome. Back to the story of course it's a linstead one but like you read on the summary it's mostly based on Jay even if the others character are important in the story. It will include his military past (which include PTSD), his childhood, his family this chapter is a bit short but it's just to beginning the story. The next one is longer and I will post it very soon. It take place after Erin came back in the unit.  
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**_To finish I just want to explained you the title of this story. "Wrong side of heaven" is a song of Five Finger Death Punch (very good song with a awesome music video, it's a powerful one. Go listen it even if you don't like metal, like I said the video is pretty powerful) I choose to call this story "Wrong side of heaven" because first it's the title of this song but most of all because the lyrics explain pretty well Jay state of mind in my story. He's conflicted about what he did in Afghanistan, he's ashamed. He thought he did the good things for a moment but now he didn't fell the same. He's ashamed of his action. It's a bit complicated to explain but I wanted to explained to you. To cut short...he's conflicted._**

**_I'm not gonna say more and let you enjoy this first chapter. :)_**

**_I don't own anything expect the character which came right from imagination._**

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><p><strong><em>Chapter one : Back in hell.<em>**

In the middle of the night, as she slept peacefully, Erin was woke up by a weird sounds. At first she didn't move, saying to herself it was nothing and to be honest she was too exhausted to opened her eyes anyway. It was rough day and all she wanted was to finally sleep so she grab the sheets to covered her a little. After a moment the sound became louder and she resigned herself to opened her eyes. Still half asleep she checked on Jay who was laying on his back beside her. His body was moving as she heard him mumble something inaudible. Suddenly she heard his scream disturbing the silence of the room. She didn't think twice and tried to woke him shaking his body.

"Jay...Jay wake up...wake up." She shook him a few times. He suddenly opened his eyes and sat on the bed, breathless his forehead covered by sweat. Eyes wide opened, they didn't left his shaking hands for a seconds. She couldn't tell how long he stay here, staring at them breathing loudly before she hold them together and bring his body close to hers.

"It's okay. It's okay everything okay. Calm down it's okay." She tried to comfort him passing her free hand on his bare back cover of sweat. "It was just a bad dream." Her voice was only a whisper, she couldn't help but being worried, he seems so vulnerable right now. "You're okay ?" She ask him a few minutes later.

"Yeah...just a nightmare...it's nothing." He breath as he lay down the bed staring at the ceiling letting his mind going back in hell. He was in his bed, but in some way he feel like he laying in the sand looking at the sky of Afghanistan, the sun burning his skin wondering what will happened next. It was like he was stuck in the desert, like his mind couldn't leave this place. Jay fell prisoner of his past, chained to this country, condemned to relive his past mistakes.

"You..."

"I'm okay. Go back to sleep." He cut her off pressing his lips on her forehead, then he turn his back to her to avoid her look and any attempt of a conversation. Jay knows he will not be able to avoid a talk forever. The former soldier wasn't ready to say anything about war or something related to his past. It was to painful to talk, but maybe it was as painful to buried his feeling deep inside him maybe more.

He didn't sleep that night, he keep his eyes opened remembering everything he done. At this time he though it was fair but today, today Jay wonders if it was right. Now he could hardly tell if it was right or wrong.

The same day, just as he came out of the shower Erin caught his look in the mirror. It was the broken reflect of the man she knew. After a moment she hold her arms around his waist pressing her lips against his skin.

"You wanna talk about last night ?" She finally ask him. He turn to face her. A smile appeared on his face as he kiss her passionately and place his forehead against hers.

"Not now."

"Okay." She breath after a few seconds. "Get dressed we're gonna be late. And it could be suspicious. And imagine what Voight can do if he's suspicious about us." She kissed him one last time and walked away from him. She sat on the couch in silence, the memory of the night resurfaced slowly in her mind. She could still hear his scream echoes in her head. It was painful and stressful. It was clear, at least for her that he needed to talk. However she doesn't gonna rush him. Erin knows how hard is it and how long it can take to finally confide in someone. It took her time to. The fear of the judgment was what hold her back and it might be what hold him back to.

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><p><strong><em>Like I said this chapter is a bit short but it's only the beginning. Anyway tell me your honest opinion about this first chapter.<em> **


	2. War is hell

**_What can I say, I'm so grateful about the reviews it's mean everything for me. Thank you everyone. I'm really happy you like my story._**

**_ So here the chapter two "War is hell" I hope you will like it. Don't forget to let a review. Honest opinion are always appreciate. So there isn't so much interaction between Erin and Jay in this chapter but there will be more in the next one. Also the next chapter is already finished so I will post it this week end.  
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**_Enjoy! :)_**

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><p><strong><em>Chapter two : War is hell.<br>_**

As Jay walked to stair of the office he tried to erased the nightmare from his memory. When he entered everyone were already there, unlike the others day he walked straight to the locker room without saying anything. He passed some water on his face and once again he looked at his reflect in the mirror, his hands gripped against the sink firmly as he closed his eyes and pressed his head against the mirror. It took him a few seconds to finally managed to think about something else. Slowly the blood, the screams left him and the sensation of Erin against his skin took place in his mind. A smile appeared on his lips as he reminded the moments they shared together since she came in his apartment the other day. When he finally feel better he walked in the office, took off his jacket and make way toward the break room.

After a few seconds of hesitation Erin followed her partner. She leaned against the door frame watching him pouring some sugar on his coffee. He didn't seems to notice her presence, but when he finally looked up a smile appeared on his face, a real one, not a faking one like he did when he's not feeling good. In some way it's comfort, maybe the nightmare was nothing more than a bad dream that happened just last night. However she couldn't help and being worried, this nightmare was pretty terrifying as well for him and for her.

"You want some ?" He ask her pointing his mug.

"No thanks I just...I was just wondering what were the plans for tonight." She took a few steps toward him.

"We could just...stay alone, in my apartment, watching the games...or we could played scrabble, just to show you how good I am." He said seductively as he lean on her a little.

"I can't wait for you to show me how good you are." She tease him before walking away from her partner knowing that they have to stay professional. The smile on his face take no time to disappear.

Wen he saw his face, Jay froze in place suddenly unable to move. For a moment he thought his heart stop beating. When his legs decide to move again he pressed his back against the wall and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and left the break room facing the father of his good friend, well his best friend Declan Donnelly. Declan and him were together in the ranger school and in the same unit. He enlisted in the army when he turn eighteen because his girlfriend was pregnant. Jay remembered how he always took care of the pictures of his little boy and his "love of his life" like he use to call her. They were always on the left side of his vest, near his heart, like they never left him. The number of latter he wrote was unbelievable and how he describe the relationship with his parents amazed him. However Jay never talk to him about his childhood, he decided to confide to another person in this unit. Amber Jensen. She's one of the person he care the most in this world.

During an attack Declan has been shot several time. Jay remember this day to well, he could still hear his friend agonize and making him promise to took care of his young son and his wife. When he left his eyes didn't closed, he was dead however he was still looking at him. Eight years passed however the eyes of all his friends dying still haunt him.

"I'm sorry..." Voight start but the man cut him off.

"It can't be her. It can't be my wife." Johnny Donnely said looking at the picture he was holding. "I already lost my only son...she can't be dead."

Jay looked at him not knowing what to say or do. All he wanted was to leave because if he ever recognize him, it could end badly yet he stay here and took the "risk". After all he did nothing wrong, there were in was zone, his son has been shot, another guy blow on a mine and him and Amber where hurt on the legs during the explosion of this same mine.

"You !" He said looking Jay straight in the eyes.

"Calm down." He replied raising his hand in the hair.

"You killed my son." He yelled n tears, as he tried to approached him Voight stopped him for doing anything stupid.

"Look Johnny..."

"Don't call me like that Halstead. You killed my only son. A kid grown up without his dad and..." can't be dead."

"And without his grandfather to." He replied harshly fully aware that since Declan's death he hadn't seeing the kid or Declan's wife, what still do. Even after eight years he continue of taking care of them like he promise him. After all he's a man of word. "Did you know that your grandson had heart problems..."

"Shut up. I swear to god Halstead, I'm gonna kill you." It was his last word before he left the district. At this moment no one dared saying something, they just looked at Jay.

"What the hell was that ?"

"War...war is hell Adam." Jay simply said as sat behind his desk. His mind get back there in no times, he could feel the state of the sand on his tongue, the debris from mines tearing his skin. The sounds of the bombs, the rifles, the rockets whistled still in his ears. He didn't even had to close his eyes to feel like being in Afghanistan, actually he had the feeling that a part of him died back there and stayed in this country. He never really left this country, in some way he is still stuck in the desert and days like today will not help him to find a way out.

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><p><em><strong>What did you think about this chapter ? Good, bad, terrible ? Tell me your honest opinion about it.<strong> _


	3. Just a kid

**_I finally found the time to post the third chapter. So I wanted to thanks _****__**sweetydoe a lot**_ _**_**who correct this chapter. I hope you will like this chapter. **_**_Don't forget to let a review. Honest opinion are always appreciate._**

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><p><strong><em>Chapter tree : Just a kid<br>_**

Since the man who threatened him left the office, Jay hadn't said a word. Erin looked at him for several minutes and noticed he hadn't moved at all. His eyes were wet, it was like he could break down at any moment. Since she has known him, Jay barely showed her any weakness, she rarely saw distress in his eyes nor sadness on his face, at least not until today.  
>Suddenly a single tear ran down his right cheek but he quickly wiped it with his thumb.<p>

"Hey you're alright kid ?" She heard Alvin ask Jay.

She watched him nod in silence like he was dumb. Alvin put his hand on his shoulder before whispering something that only Jay could hear. He nodded a second time as he passed his hand on his face. Then she finally caught his eyes and this time there was no smile, not even a fake one. She opened her mouth but before she could say anything Voight spoke.

"How did this happen ? Why did you let him watch the pictures of his dead wife? " He said looking over them. "This guy shouldn't have been here..."

"Now we know who's the victim." Ruzek replied.

"He saw his wife dead on this board. Do you know how traumatizing it will be ?"

"I just say..."

"Don't say anything." Voight cut him off harshly. "You let him in when you shouldn't have." It took him a few seconds to calm himself down. "So what do you have on the victim ?"

"Amanda Donnely, she was a psychiatrist and a good one apparently. She never had problems with justice." Erin said looking at the files on her computer.

"How did a psychiatrist end up like that ?"

"The day her son died, she died too." Jay said without looking at anyone. "Maybe...maybe she started taking drugs a while ago and last night the deal went wrong and she was killed. "

"You know her..."

"Not really but she...she didn't blame me. She even hugged me at Declan's funeral, she said it wasn't my fault."

Painful memories resurfaced in his mind, causing him to close his eyes. All he saw at this moment was his friend dying. He passed his hands trough his hair and pressed his forehead against his desk. Then he raised his head and look up at the board.

"Or maybe...maybe she was at the wrong place at the wrong time." Jay spoke as he tried to forget what just happened with Declan's father. "I mean It could be anything...like always."

"When was the last time you saw her ?" Antonio asked him softy.

"The last time I saw her, it was at her son's funeral, eight years ago." He sight. "Look I'm...I need some air, just call me if you need me." He said before walking away from his coworkers.

The rest of the unit watched him leave the office, they were all still a little shocked about what happened a few minutes ago. Now Erin was worried. The nightmare, this guy who threatened him, this case. It couldn't end well.

"Leave him alone." Alvin's soft voice broke the silence. "You should let him breath and I will talk to him, I was in the army too, maybe it will be easier for him."

"He's my partner Al, he..."

"He needs some air." He replied in a whispered. "He will come back once he feels better."

Erin nodded reluctantly, she wanted to be by his side, letting him know that no matter what she will always be there for him but Alvin was right. He needed to be alone, if something from her past resurfaced like that, she would prefer to be alone during a moment.

Sitting in the stairs of the district, his mind was back there. Physically he was in Chicago, at work, but mentally he was in Afghanistan. Jay put his arms on his knees as he rested his head against his hands. His eyes were now closed, trying to bury the memories of the war deep inside him praying for it to never resurface.

"You're alright ?"

"I don't know." He replied and look up to see Ruzek standing next to him.

"Look I know I can barely understand what you've been through but..."

"That's right you can't understand." He said to his friend looking at him straight in the eyes.

"Jay.. come on.." Ruzek caught him by the arm but Jay pushed him away.

"Don't do that again."

"I'm just trying to help, you don't need to be rude."

"I know, sorry...I...drop it, alright." He said throwing his hands in his pockets and walking back in the office.

He wasn't feeling better, in fact he was feeling sick. Declan's father made him feel this way, his presence and his words reminded him of the horror of war, the death of his friends. His brother and sister lying on the sand, the kids, the civilians screaming for help.

There was this kid. The kid he shot because he thought it was him who was shooting at them. He had realized just one second too late that it was just a kid. A kid who was holding a rifle. When he had realized he was only eight or nine he had already pulled the trigger and he couldn't stop the bullet anymore.

He could still see his little body hit the floor, before he carried him in the safe zone where he died. This kid died because of him, for a long time he thought he did what he had to do but today he was not sure. After all it was just a kid.

"Hey." He heard Erin's voice echoe in the empty room as she sat on his desk. "You..." She started, but knew that asking him if he wanted to talk about it was a stupid question. He for sure didn't want to. She could see it in his eyes. "You've always been there for me Jay. You listened when I confessed about my mom and my past, and you never judged me. I just want you to know that I would never judge you." She said taking his head between her hands.

"I know." He replied with a small smile on the lips. "But I'm not used to...talk about my problems. I'm like you."

"We have a lot in common apparently." She smiled and brought him closer to her. When they separated she wiped the tears on his cheeks and looked at him in the eyes. She couldn't tell how long they stayed like that in silence but all she knew was that it was nice. After a moment, when the rest of the unit arrived she went back to her desk waiting for the news.

"So ?"

"So it's bigger than we thought." Antonio said approaching the board. "I just called a friend of mine, I think she could help us with the case...your already there ?"

"You said it was important."

"Guys this is..."

"Amanda ?" Jay said a bit shock to see his old partner right in front of him.

"Hi ranger." She replied coldly after a few seconds.

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><p><strong><em>So how did you found this chapter ? Tell me your honest opinion about it. I love you all.<em>**


	4. Amanda

_**First of all I'm very sorry for the late but I restarts this chapter a few times because at the beginning I didn't find it good. Once again I want to thanks sweetydoe who correct this chapter.**_**_  
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_**Well I hope you will enjoy this chapter. :)**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter four : Amanda<br>**_

The room was quiet, no one dared to say anything, the entire unit could feel the tension between Jay and Amanda. For Erin it was pretty obvious they had a past and maybe a rough one. The look on their faces said it all, there was something between them. It's at this moment that she saw him looking down at the floor then their eyes met again.

"I think you and me should talk later." It was the only thing Amanda said to him, then she just went back to focusing on the board, avoiding the looks of the rest of the unit.

"Talk about what, there is nothing to say." Jay replied after a moment.

Amanda turned her intention back to Jay looking at him straight in the eyes. He held her look for a moment knowing that she'd be the first to break the connection, and indeed her eyes met the floor.

"Did you guys find anything interesting about the victim ?" She asked them avoiding Jay's eyes.

"Well not really..."

"Every details are important so..."

"We know that." Ruzek cut her off a bit upset by this woman. "I don't think you have to tell us how we have to do our job."

"And I'm not trying to tell you how to do it. I don't know the case, so you need to tell me everything."

"There is everything in the files, you just have to read." Jay said as he got up and left the office.

"Wait...we need to talk."

He closed his eyes the second he heard her voice and he stopped in the hallway.

"What do you want Amanda ?" He asked coldly looking at her in the eyes.

Suddenly he felt her grab his right arm, leading him to the locker room. The anger grew in him a little more knowing that she was fully aware that he hated when someone did that.

"Don't touch me."

"We need to talk." She repeated another time.

"I think you already said that."

"We both need this conversation. We made mistakes and..."

"There is nothing to say. Right now we work together but that's all. And don't ever do that again." He said before leaving the room and letting her alone. He walked back to his desk closely followed by his old partner.

"Alright, keep searching, Olinsky and I are going to talk to the husband." Voight said putting his jacket on.

When they left the office Amanda was looking at the board. Her arms crossed over her chest she stared at the picture of the woman who was found dead this morning. Then she walked in the break room. Erin took this as an opportunity to talk to her .

"Hey I'm Erin Lindsay, Jay's partner." She said looking at her.

"Amanda Wings. Jay's old partner." The woman replied holding a cup of coffee.

"Jay's old partner ? When you were on patrol ?" She asked her pouring herself some coffee.

"Yeah. You know I learned a lot of things from him."

"Oh yeah like what ?" Now she was curious, she wanted to know more.

"As a former soldier, he was more trained than me, I think. I'd been a cop for a few months when we started working together and on our first day a guy attacked us with a knife. I pulled my gun out but he didn't. He tried to calm him down and he managed to. Later in the locker room he said that the gun was never the first solution to a problem. Then he said something that I'll never forget : "Once you press the trigger you cannot catch up the bullet." She quoted him. "It was like every day I learned something new with him. Whether it was about our job or...the world war 2, at the end of the day I always learned."

She stopped during a few seconds. At this moment Erin caught her look, it was special. Now she was wondering if there was something more than just a partnership between them, if they had ever been more than just friends.

"You're lucky to have him as partner." Amanda said her eyes lost somewhere.

"Yeah he's great, he always has my back."

"Eri...just don't ask me what happened please." Amanda protested a hand in the air like she knew she was about to ask

"I wasn't going to ask." She smiled and watched her leave the room. Actually she wanted to know, she wanted to know what happened between them, but as much as she wanted that she didn't. After all it was none of her business. Like Amanda had said, it was between her and Jay.

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><p>When Jay walked the stairs to his desk later that day, the office was strangely silent. He wasn't stupid, he knew the minute he came back in the room that Amanda was talking about him. He could see it in her eyes. She maybe didn't say anything but sometimes words aren't necessary. The silence said it all.<p>

"Henry Connors." Jay said breaking the silence in the room. "I think it's our guy. He's a drug dealer, often seen where the body was found and one of my CI saw him on the crime scene this morning, one hour before the body was found."

"And your CI is reliable?"

"Come on, he would never lie to me."

"I hope you're right, everyone dresses up." Voight said.

As Erin put her vest on she suddenly felt warm hands gently pressed against her shoulders. She couldn't help but smile. The contact felt so right but at the same time so wrong. They weren't alone, all the unit was here not to mention that Jay's old partner was there too.

"Need some help ?" She heard Jay whispering near her ear. She could feel his breath crashing on her skin.

"Actually I'm good." She replied facing him.

However she saw him adjusting her vest and pressing his hand on her chest.

"We never know right ?"

"I better be cautious." She replied smiling at him.

About five minutes later they left the district to arrest Henry Connors. Like always Jay was the first to enter the house closely followed by Erin and the rest of the team. Halstead continued his way in the house telling Erin where she had to go. It's at this moment he heard a noise coming from behind, the finger on the trigger he turned back. His face fell when he saw a kid standing in front of him.

Jay took the gun down instantly breathing loudly. He was about five or maybe six years old and was holding a bear. He could see the fear and the tears in his eyes. At this moment he heard Lindsay through his radio saying that they got Henry.

"Hey buddy it's okay." Jay whispered trying to calm him down. "I'm not gonna hurt you." He said while kneeling near him. "It's okay, I'm police and I'm not gonna hurt you." He repeated once again as he glanced over Amanda. "We're gonna leave okay. I need you..." The kid didn't let him finish his sentence as he jumped to him, tying his arms around Jay's neck. "It's gonna be fine." He whispered softy to the little boy's ear.

"Apparently your CI didn't say that Henry Connors has a son." He heard Voight say as he got up with the kid in his arms.

"No." He said as he left the room.

"I just called child services." Amanda started looking at the kid.

"I'll stay with him until they arrive." He replied avoiding her look.

"I know you will." She punched his shoulder like old times before catching Erin's eyes.

Lindsay was starting to be more and more curious about their history. First they basically yell at each other and then they act like they're just old friends. The only thing she knew for sure was that no matter what their status was, this was definitely strange.

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><p><strong><em>How did you guys find this chapter ? Like always tell me your honest opinion about it. Tell me how do you find Amanda, if you like her or not.<br>_**

**_I promise in the next chapter you will learn more about Amanda and her relationship with Jay._**


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